Chords for Bar Jokes

So this man goes into a bar and he says,
give me a drink before the trouble starts.
He drinks that and he says,
give me another drink before the trouble starts.
He drinks that and he says,
give me another drink before the trouble starts. _
Bartender says, when's this trouble gonna start?
Trouble starts as soon as you realize
I don't have any money.
_ _ _ _ Tell the one about the tourist.
The tourist goes into a bar
and there's a dog sitting in a chair playing poker
with a couple of guys.
The tourist goes up to the bartender and said,
is that dog really playing poker?
Bartender says, yeah, he's playing, but he's not too good.
Whenever he's got a good hand, he wags his tail.
_ _ So this cowboy walks into the bar and he orders a beer.
His hat is made of brown wrapping paper
and his shirt and his vest are made of waxed paper.
And he had chaps in his pants
and even his boots are made of paper.
Even his spurs are made of tissue paper.
Pretty soon they arrested him for wrestling. _ _ _ _ _
_ Some man walks into a bar, this is an old joke,
or is it?
And there's a beautiful woman sitting at the bar
and they sit and have a drink together
and she leans over and says,
I want you to make me feel like a real woman.
And he takes off his jacket and he says, I need this ironed.
[N] _
_ _ _ _ _ [C] _ _ _
_ _ [G] So a Northerner walks into a bar in Georgia
a week before Christmas,
and he sees a little nativity scene on the back bar,
says to the bartender, that's a nice nativity scene,
but how come the three wise men are wearing fireman's hats?
The bartender says, well, it says right there in the Bible,
the three wise men came from afar. _
_ _ [N] _ _ _ _ _ _
So, do you mind if I break in here?
This naked guy walks into a bar
with a pair of jumper cables draped around his neck.
And he says to the bartender, give me a scotch and soda.
And the bartender says, okay, but don't start anything. _ _
_ _ _ This thief breaks into a bar
and he goes into the cash register there
and all of a sudden a voice behind him says,
God is watching.
Well, he doesn't see anything.
So he tries to get back into the cash register again.
The voice says, God is watching.
And then he sees a parrot in a cage over there
in the corner.
And he says to the bird, what's your name?
The bird says, John the Baptist.
And the thief says, well, you know,
that's kind of an odd name for a parrot.
Who did that?
Who named you that?
The parrot says, my owner did.
Yeah, the same guy who named the Rottweiler, God. _ _ _ _ _ _
So this guy walks into the bar and he orders a drink
and he looks in his pocket and he orders another drink.
And then he looks in his pocket again and drinks that
and orders another drink and looks in his pocket,
has another drink and goes on like this.
And the bartender finally says,
_ what do you have in your pocket?
And the guy says, well, it's a picture of my wife.
And when she starts looking good to me,
I know it's time to go home.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
_ _ _ Married man told that joke.
God is watching.
_ _ _ _ Two North Dakotans go into a bar
and they buy drinks for everybody in the place.
They're whooping it up, celebrating,
slapping everybody on the back.
Somebody says, what are you whooping it up for?
What's the occasion?
They said, they say, we just finished a jigsaw puzzle.
Only took us two months. _
Well, the bartender said, two months?
What a big deal.
Jigsaw puzzles shouldn't take two months.
Oh yeah?
On the box it said two to four years. _ _
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
So a man walks into this bar and he's asked by a bum,
panhandling there on the corner before he goes in.
He says, mister, do you have a dollar you could spare me?
And the guy says, well, if I give you a dollar,
are you gonna use it to buy liquor?
No.
Well, if I give you a dollar,
are you gonna use it for gambling?
No.
Listen, would you mind coming home with me
so I can show my wife what happens to someone
who doesn't drink or gamble? _ _ _ _ _ _
The guy comes into a bar and he orders
three separate shot glasses of Irish whiskey.
And he drinks all three in a row.
And he does this day after day after day
until finally the bartender says,
you know, I could put all three of those shots
into one glass for you.
No, no, no.
He said, I prefer it this way.
See, I have two brothers who they're over in Ireland
and I love them.
This glass right here, this is for Finian.
And this glass here is for Fergus.
And this glass is for me.
And this way, all three glasses,
I sort of feel as if we're here together having a drink.
So they do this day after day.
Comes in, bartender sets up the three glasses.
The man drinks them.
And then one day the man says,
give me two shots today.
And the bartender says, what happened?
Some happened?
No, no, no, no.
The man says, it's just, they're okay, my brothers.
It's just that I decided to quit drinking.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
_ _ Guy goes into a bar and orders four shots
of the most expensive 30 year old single malt Scotch whiskey
and downs them one after the other. _
Bartender said, you look like you're in a hurry.
Guy says, you would be too if you had what I have.
Bartender says, what have you got?
And he says, 50 cents. _ _
So an old man and his wife go into a bar
and the wife sits down at the bar
and the old man gets up and goes over to talk
to some young women over in the corner.
And the bartender says, say ma'am, doesn't that bother you
that your husband is always making passes
at the younger women around here?
And the wife says, no, no, no, not really.
I mean, dogs chase cars,
but that doesn't mean they know how to drive. _ _
_ _ _ _ _ _ So a man goes into a bar and asks the bartender,
how do I get to Bubba's house from here?
Bartender tells him, but he says, listen,
here's the directions, but be careful.
Don't honk your horn when you pull up
in front of Bubba's house.
Oh, why not?
Well, you see, about three months ago,
Bubba's wife ran off with a banjo player named Junior.
And every time Bubba hears somebody honk,
he's afraid [A] the banjo player is bringing her back. _ _
_ [D] _ [G] [D] Mr.
Roy Blunt, Sue Scott, Tim Rutland, Bob Peet.
_ Julia Sweeney is with us. _ _ _
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _