Chords for Dave Foley on Atheists - Dave Foley: Relatively Well
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Start Jamming...
I am an atheist.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Yeah, everything is meaningless.
Nothing.
But it's true.
I'm an atheist.
I've been an atheist most of my life.
And people talk about
there being a war on religion in America.
And nothing could be further from the truth.
There's
no war on religion.
America is the most outside of the Islamic world.
America is the most religious
country on earth.
Right?
And there's no war on religion because atheists like myself have
zero political power in this country.
Zero.
You cannot be elected to any public office in America
as an atheist.
It's impossible.
They did a poll where they asked people, who can you see yourself
voting for?
You know, man, woman, you know, black, white, Jew, gay, straight, three-legged cat,
down to atheists.
And zero.
Nobody would vote for an atheist.
Right?
Do you know how many
atheists are in Congress right now?
Zero.
There was one until the last election.
Jeff Stark
was a congressman in San Francisco, right?
And he was elected to Congress in 1973.
Came out as an atheist in 2007.
Yeah, so take that gaze.
Our closet is way deeper and darker than
yours.
Our closet goes all the way through to fucking Narnia.
You go out the wrong end of that
closet, there's a bunch of Catholics with a talking lion that will eat you.
So there's no
fucking war on religion in America.
All right?
Relax.
And I know there are probably people here
tonight who have faith and are faithful and that's creepy.
It is.
It's as if to the faithless,
it truly is just creepy.
It creeps us out.
It makes us feel weird when you talk about your faith
because I can liken it to this.
It's like Santa Claus, you know?
We all go, oh, you know, when
children believe in Santa Claus, oh, that's wonderful.
Let the children believe in Santa
Claus.
Don't ruin Christmas for the children.
Let them believe in Santa.
But if you run into
someone 21 years old who still believes in Santa, you will not leave him alone with your children.
You'll organize a neighborhood watch because it's creepy.
And that's what faith looks like
to the faithless.
And religion to me has always just seemed like a form of socially acceptable
psychosis.
And I'll explain because it's just like if you were the only person on earth who believed
a tenant of any major religion, if you were the only person on earth who believed that you would
just seem crazy, it's not about the ideas themselves.
It's about how many people believe
the idea that gives it credibility and gives it respectability.
And as an example, I'll pick
something that's pretty accepted and respected in our culture right now, which is Catholicism
and communion, right?
Now, communion, the miracle of communion, if you're not aware of what it
literally is, it is something called transubstantiation, which is the Catholic doctrine
that the host, the Eucharist, the cracker, is literally, not poetically, not figuratively,
not symbolically, but is literally the body of Christ.
It just looks like a cracker.
That's the miracle part.
Jesus disguised himself as a cracker.
And the wine is literally the blood
of Jesus.
All right.
Now, millions of people believe this around the world.
So we treat it with respect.
Right.
But if you were the only person on earth who believed this and someone came across you
with your glass of wine and your plate of crackers and said, what's up to?
And you said, I'm just
having me some Jesus meat.
Oh, no, no, no.
This is Jesus.
Watch it down with the blood of the lamb.
You can't have any.
I'm the only Catholic.
You would lock him the fuck up.
[Eb] That is [N] crazy
bullshit.
So I think if you're a Scientologist or a Mormon and you see Catholics giggling
remember that bullshit.
Not the Mormons aren't super bullshitty.
They are.
They're super crazy
bullshitty Mormons.
Oh, my God.
And you know, you know, Mormons, they don't believe in the same
Jesus.
You know that, right?
They believe in sort of an alt Jesus who I believe is soy based.
And one of the things that came to light was that Mormons were doing something called baptism
by proxy.
And if you don't know what this is, this is the practice of baptizing dead people
into the Mormon faith.
What they do is they have volunteers who come in and each volunteer can
represent 20 dead souls and they jump into the baptismal tub and they walk across and jump out
and someone else jumps in and out.
And, you know, it's like it's a volume business.
They keep it
going all day.
And it came to light that they were baptizing Jews killed in the Holocaust.
They had they had baptized 100,000 Jews into the Mormon faith through this process.
They baptized
Anne Frank nine times.
Bitch just would not take.
And the Jewish community heard about this and they
were outraged.
You know, there was a Elie Wiesel, the great writer and the Simon Wiesenthal Institute
heard about this.
They started protesting and saying the Mormon Church must stop this.
This
must stop.
This is a horrible atrocity.
How dare you baptize our ancestors into the Mormon faith
against their will?
How dare you?
This must stop.
Which I think goes to show the Jews are fucking
crazy, too, because it's not real.
They can't fucking do it.
They don't have the power.
This
isn't Hogwarts.
You can't jump in a tub and suddenly Nana's in heaven with Brigham Young
wearing magic underwear.
They can't do it.
Relax, Jews.
You've got bigger things to worry about.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Yeah, everything is meaningless.
Nothing.
But it's true.
I'm an atheist.
I've been an atheist most of my life.
And people talk about
there being a war on religion in America.
And nothing could be further from the truth.
There's
no war on religion.
America is the most outside of the Islamic world.
America is the most religious
country on earth.
Right?
And there's no war on religion because atheists like myself have
zero political power in this country.
Zero.
You cannot be elected to any public office in America
as an atheist.
It's impossible.
They did a poll where they asked people, who can you see yourself
voting for?
You know, man, woman, you know, black, white, Jew, gay, straight, three-legged cat,
down to atheists.
And zero.
Nobody would vote for an atheist.
Right?
Do you know how many
atheists are in Congress right now?
Zero.
There was one until the last election.
Jeff Stark
was a congressman in San Francisco, right?
And he was elected to Congress in 1973.
Came out as an atheist in 2007.
Yeah, so take that gaze.
Our closet is way deeper and darker than
yours.
Our closet goes all the way through to fucking Narnia.
You go out the wrong end of that
closet, there's a bunch of Catholics with a talking lion that will eat you.
So there's no
fucking war on religion in America.
All right?
Relax.
And I know there are probably people here
tonight who have faith and are faithful and that's creepy.
It is.
It's as if to the faithless,
it truly is just creepy.
It creeps us out.
It makes us feel weird when you talk about your faith
because I can liken it to this.
It's like Santa Claus, you know?
We all go, oh, you know, when
children believe in Santa Claus, oh, that's wonderful.
Let the children believe in Santa
Claus.
Don't ruin Christmas for the children.
Let them believe in Santa.
But if you run into
someone 21 years old who still believes in Santa, you will not leave him alone with your children.
You'll organize a neighborhood watch because it's creepy.
And that's what faith looks like
to the faithless.
And religion to me has always just seemed like a form of socially acceptable
psychosis.
And I'll explain because it's just like if you were the only person on earth who believed
a tenant of any major religion, if you were the only person on earth who believed that you would
just seem crazy, it's not about the ideas themselves.
It's about how many people believe
the idea that gives it credibility and gives it respectability.
And as an example, I'll pick
something that's pretty accepted and respected in our culture right now, which is Catholicism
and communion, right?
Now, communion, the miracle of communion, if you're not aware of what it
literally is, it is something called transubstantiation, which is the Catholic doctrine
that the host, the Eucharist, the cracker, is literally, not poetically, not figuratively,
not symbolically, but is literally the body of Christ.
It just looks like a cracker.
That's the miracle part.
Jesus disguised himself as a cracker.
And the wine is literally the blood
of Jesus.
All right.
Now, millions of people believe this around the world.
So we treat it with respect.
Right.
But if you were the only person on earth who believed this and someone came across you
with your glass of wine and your plate of crackers and said, what's up to?
And you said, I'm just
having me some Jesus meat.
Oh, no, no, no.
This is Jesus.
Watch it down with the blood of the lamb.
You can't have any.
I'm the only Catholic.
You would lock him the fuck up.
[Eb] That is [N] crazy
bullshit.
So I think if you're a Scientologist or a Mormon and you see Catholics giggling
remember that bullshit.
Not the Mormons aren't super bullshitty.
They are.
They're super crazy
bullshitty Mormons.
Oh, my God.
And you know, you know, Mormons, they don't believe in the same
Jesus.
You know that, right?
They believe in sort of an alt Jesus who I believe is soy based.
And one of the things that came to light was that Mormons were doing something called baptism
by proxy.
And if you don't know what this is, this is the practice of baptizing dead people
into the Mormon faith.
What they do is they have volunteers who come in and each volunteer can
represent 20 dead souls and they jump into the baptismal tub and they walk across and jump out
and someone else jumps in and out.
And, you know, it's like it's a volume business.
They keep it
going all day.
And it came to light that they were baptizing Jews killed in the Holocaust.
They had they had baptized 100,000 Jews into the Mormon faith through this process.
They baptized
Anne Frank nine times.
Bitch just would not take.
And the Jewish community heard about this and they
were outraged.
You know, there was a Elie Wiesel, the great writer and the Simon Wiesenthal Institute
heard about this.
They started protesting and saying the Mormon Church must stop this.
This
must stop.
This is a horrible atrocity.
How dare you baptize our ancestors into the Mormon faith
against their will?
How dare you?
This must stop.
Which I think goes to show the Jews are fucking
crazy, too, because it's not real.
They can't fucking do it.
They don't have the power.
This
isn't Hogwarts.
You can't jump in a tub and suddenly Nana's in heaven with Brigham Young
wearing magic underwear.
They can't do it.
Relax, Jews.
You've got bigger things to worry about.
Key:
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I am an atheist.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Yeah.
_ _ Yeah, everything is meaningless.
_ _ _ _ _ Nothing.
_ _ _ But it's true.
I'm an atheist.
I've been an atheist most of my life.
_ And people talk about
there being a war on religion in America.
And nothing could be further from the truth.
There's
no war on religion.
America is the most outside of the Islamic world.
America is the most religious
country on earth.
Right?
And there's no war on religion because atheists like myself have
zero political power in this country.
Zero.
You cannot be elected to any public office in America
as an atheist.
It's impossible.
They did a poll where they asked people, who can you see yourself
voting for?
You know, man, woman, you know, black, white, Jew, gay, straight, three-legged cat,
down to atheists.
And zero.
Nobody would vote for an atheist.
Right?
Do you know how many
atheists are in Congress right now?
_ Zero. _
There was one until the last election.
Jeff Stark
_ _ was a congressman in San Francisco, right?
And he was elected to Congress in _ 1973.
_ Came out as an atheist in 2007.
_ Yeah, so take that gaze.
Our closet is way deeper and darker than
yours.
_ Our closet goes all the way through to fucking Narnia.
_ You go out the wrong end of that
closet, there's a bunch of Catholics with a talking lion that will eat you.
So there's no
fucking war on religion in America.
All right?
Relax.
_ And _ I know there are probably people here
tonight who have faith and are faithful and that's creepy. _ _ _
_ It is.
It's as if to the faithless,
it truly is just creepy.
It creeps us out.
It makes us feel weird when you talk about your faith
because _ I can liken it to this.
It's like _ Santa Claus, you know?
We all go, oh, you know, when
children believe in Santa Claus, oh, that's wonderful.
Let the children believe in Santa
Claus.
Don't ruin Christmas for the children.
Let them believe in Santa.
But if you run into
someone 21 years old who still believes in Santa, you will not leave him alone with your children. _ _
You'll organize a neighborhood watch because it's creepy.
And that's what faith looks like
to the faithless.
And religion to me has always just seemed like a form of socially acceptable
psychosis.
_ _ And I'll explain because it's _ just like if _ you were the only person on earth who believed
a tenant of any major religion, if you were the only person on earth who believed that you would
just seem crazy, it's not about the ideas themselves.
It's about how many people believe
the idea that gives it credibility and gives it respectability.
And as an example, I'll pick
something that's pretty accepted and respected in our culture right now, which is Catholicism
_ _ and communion, right?
Now, communion, the miracle of communion, if you're not aware of what it
literally is, it is something called _ transubstantiation, which is the Catholic doctrine
_ that the host, the Eucharist, the cracker, is literally, not poetically, not figuratively,
not symbolically, but is literally _ the body of Christ.
_ It just looks like a cracker. _ _ _
That's the miracle part. _ _
Jesus disguised himself as a cracker. _ _
And the wine is _ literally the blood
of Jesus.
All right.
Now, millions of people believe this around the world.
So we treat it with respect.
Right.
But if you were the only person on earth who believed this and someone came across you
with your glass of wine and your plate of crackers and said, what's up to?
And you said, I'm just
having me some Jesus meat.
Oh, no, no, no.
This is Jesus.
_ Watch it down with the blood of the lamb. _
You can't have any.
I'm the only Catholic.
You would lock him the fuck up.
_ [Eb] _ That is [N] crazy
bullshit. _ _ _
So I think if you're a Scientologist or a Mormon and you see Catholics giggling
remember that bullshit.
_ Not the Mormons aren't super bullshitty.
_ _ They are.
They're super crazy
bullshitty Mormons.
Oh, my God.
And you know, you know, Mormons, they don't believe in the same
Jesus.
You know that, right?
They believe in sort of an alt Jesus who I believe is soy based.
_ _ _ _ _ _ And one of the things that came _ to light was that Mormons were doing something called baptism
by proxy.
_ And if you don't know what this is, this is the practice of baptizing dead people
into the Mormon faith.
What they do is they have volunteers who come in and each volunteer can
represent 20 dead souls and they jump into the baptismal tub and they walk across and jump out
and someone else jumps in and out.
And, you know, it's like it's a volume business.
They keep it
going all day. _
_ And _ it came to light that they were baptizing Jews killed in the Holocaust. _ _
They had they had baptized 100,000 Jews into the Mormon faith through this process.
They baptized
Anne Frank nine times.
_ Bitch just would not take. _
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
_ _ And the Jewish community heard about this and they
were outraged.
You know, there was a Elie Wiesel, the great writer and the Simon Wiesenthal Institute
heard about this.
They started protesting and saying the Mormon Church must stop this.
This
must stop.
This is a horrible atrocity.
How dare you baptize our ancestors into the Mormon faith
against their will?
How dare you?
This must stop.
Which I think goes to show the Jews are fucking
crazy, too, because it's not real. _ _
They can't fucking do it.
They don't have the power.
This
isn't Hogwarts. _
_ You can't jump in a tub and suddenly Nana's in heaven with Brigham Young
wearing magic underwear.
They can't do it.
Relax, Jews.
You've got bigger things to worry about. _
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Thank you.
Thank you.
Yeah.
_ _ Yeah, everything is meaningless.
_ _ _ _ _ Nothing.
_ _ _ But it's true.
I'm an atheist.
I've been an atheist most of my life.
_ And people talk about
there being a war on religion in America.
And nothing could be further from the truth.
There's
no war on religion.
America is the most outside of the Islamic world.
America is the most religious
country on earth.
Right?
And there's no war on religion because atheists like myself have
zero political power in this country.
Zero.
You cannot be elected to any public office in America
as an atheist.
It's impossible.
They did a poll where they asked people, who can you see yourself
voting for?
You know, man, woman, you know, black, white, Jew, gay, straight, three-legged cat,
down to atheists.
And zero.
Nobody would vote for an atheist.
Right?
Do you know how many
atheists are in Congress right now?
_ Zero. _
There was one until the last election.
Jeff Stark
_ _ was a congressman in San Francisco, right?
And he was elected to Congress in _ 1973.
_ Came out as an atheist in 2007.
_ Yeah, so take that gaze.
Our closet is way deeper and darker than
yours.
_ Our closet goes all the way through to fucking Narnia.
_ You go out the wrong end of that
closet, there's a bunch of Catholics with a talking lion that will eat you.
So there's no
fucking war on religion in America.
All right?
Relax.
_ And _ I know there are probably people here
tonight who have faith and are faithful and that's creepy. _ _ _
_ It is.
It's as if to the faithless,
it truly is just creepy.
It creeps us out.
It makes us feel weird when you talk about your faith
because _ I can liken it to this.
It's like _ Santa Claus, you know?
We all go, oh, you know, when
children believe in Santa Claus, oh, that's wonderful.
Let the children believe in Santa
Claus.
Don't ruin Christmas for the children.
Let them believe in Santa.
But if you run into
someone 21 years old who still believes in Santa, you will not leave him alone with your children. _ _
You'll organize a neighborhood watch because it's creepy.
And that's what faith looks like
to the faithless.
And religion to me has always just seemed like a form of socially acceptable
psychosis.
_ _ And I'll explain because it's _ just like if _ you were the only person on earth who believed
a tenant of any major religion, if you were the only person on earth who believed that you would
just seem crazy, it's not about the ideas themselves.
It's about how many people believe
the idea that gives it credibility and gives it respectability.
And as an example, I'll pick
something that's pretty accepted and respected in our culture right now, which is Catholicism
_ _ and communion, right?
Now, communion, the miracle of communion, if you're not aware of what it
literally is, it is something called _ transubstantiation, which is the Catholic doctrine
_ that the host, the Eucharist, the cracker, is literally, not poetically, not figuratively,
not symbolically, but is literally _ the body of Christ.
_ It just looks like a cracker. _ _ _
That's the miracle part. _ _
Jesus disguised himself as a cracker. _ _
And the wine is _ literally the blood
of Jesus.
All right.
Now, millions of people believe this around the world.
So we treat it with respect.
Right.
But if you were the only person on earth who believed this and someone came across you
with your glass of wine and your plate of crackers and said, what's up to?
And you said, I'm just
having me some Jesus meat.
Oh, no, no, no.
This is Jesus.
_ Watch it down with the blood of the lamb. _
You can't have any.
I'm the only Catholic.
You would lock him the fuck up.
_ [Eb] _ That is [N] crazy
bullshit. _ _ _
So I think if you're a Scientologist or a Mormon and you see Catholics giggling
remember that bullshit.
_ Not the Mormons aren't super bullshitty.
_ _ They are.
They're super crazy
bullshitty Mormons.
Oh, my God.
And you know, you know, Mormons, they don't believe in the same
Jesus.
You know that, right?
They believe in sort of an alt Jesus who I believe is soy based.
_ _ _ _ _ _ And one of the things that came _ to light was that Mormons were doing something called baptism
by proxy.
_ And if you don't know what this is, this is the practice of baptizing dead people
into the Mormon faith.
What they do is they have volunteers who come in and each volunteer can
represent 20 dead souls and they jump into the baptismal tub and they walk across and jump out
and someone else jumps in and out.
And, you know, it's like it's a volume business.
They keep it
going all day. _
_ And _ it came to light that they were baptizing Jews killed in the Holocaust. _ _
They had they had baptized 100,000 Jews into the Mormon faith through this process.
They baptized
Anne Frank nine times.
_ Bitch just would not take. _
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
_ _ And the Jewish community heard about this and they
were outraged.
You know, there was a Elie Wiesel, the great writer and the Simon Wiesenthal Institute
heard about this.
They started protesting and saying the Mormon Church must stop this.
This
must stop.
This is a horrible atrocity.
How dare you baptize our ancestors into the Mormon faith
against their will?
How dare you?
This must stop.
Which I think goes to show the Jews are fucking
crazy, too, because it's not real. _ _
They can't fucking do it.
They don't have the power.
This
isn't Hogwarts. _
_ You can't jump in a tub and suddenly Nana's in heaven with Brigham Young
wearing magic underwear.
They can't do it.
Relax, Jews.
You've got bigger things to worry about. _
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _