Chords for Earl Okin - It's not a Steinway

Ladies and gentlemen, _ some of you would have noticed by now that this thing actually isn't a piano, it's sort of vaguely in the shape of one.
And it's alright, [G] it's called a Roland.
_ _ _ _ I don't know what that is, it's a Roland.
_ _ _ [Ab] _ _ I should explain to you, when you are _ a _ performer with a keyboard or piano [G] and your name is not Vladimir Ashkenazi,
_ _ [F]
you don't actually know what you're going to get until you get there.
We used to send out contracts [A] when you do [Gb] concerts and _ [E] the _ _ _ most [G] important clause in the [N] contract often was the piano clause.
It was a standard clause, it said, _ _ [G] required in good working order, piano _ _ _ tuned to 440.
I can only assume _ that _ _ some theatre managers [Eb] think that 440 is the frequency of [F] the local [Ab] radio station. _ _
_ [Eb] I've had pianos you wouldn't [F] believe. _
_ Quite often I have to say it at the fringe. _ _
I had one [A] one year, I remember, [Db] _
Southside it was, _ [F] Southside Annex. _
I have not described this thing, it was like the nearest thing _ _ to a piano. _ _ _
_ _ You couldn't imagine, without actually being one.
_ _ _ _ It was like, you know, it was _ _ _ _ _ somebody's, it was awful, _ _ [E] _ _
somebody's false teeth where [Ab] the key should be. _
It was awful.
_ [Em] And you have to play, because if you don't, you know, the theatre managers get in touch with you.
Well, Earl Ogin, you didn't have him, did you?
[D] _ _
No, no, we had him last month.
What a prima donna he turned out to be.
_ _ _ He complained about our piano.
_ We had it painted last year.
_ _ _ _ _ [N] _
_ _ _ _ I thought there's got to be some way of getting back at these _ _ _ _ not very helpful people.
And I think I've found a way of a song I'm going to attempt to do now, and I haven't done this one for years. _ _ _ _
_ It's usually done by people like Frank Sinatra.
_ _ _ [F] _ _ _ People like Shirley [G] Bassey. _ _ _ _ _
_ _ People like Sid Vicious.
[E] _ _
_ _ _ _ When they do it, they do it with great passion.
[G] _ _ _ _ _ _
My version isn't the same as [Ab] theirs, _ _ but it's done with just as much passion.
[Db] _ _ _
_ _ [G] _ _ _ _ [C] _ _
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
_ Sometimes _ they're out of tune.
_ _ _ _ _ Sometimes [Gm] the notes _ _ _ _ won't [A] play for certain. _ _ _ _
[Dm] _ _ Sometimes _ [D] it just won't [Bb] _ move.
_ _ And so you're [G] stuck _ _ _ _ behind [C] the curtain. _ _ _
_ _ Sometimes _ _ you find a [Gm] beer _ _ _ _ that [F] someone poured _ inside _ [Fm] last Friday. _ _ _
_ _ [C] One _ _ thing that's for sure, [G] _ _ _ _ _
_ it's not the _ Steinway.
_ _ _ [C] _ _ _ _
_ _ _ You try _ _ _ _ to play yourself _ _ _ your _ _ [Gm] favourite song.
_ _ _ There's [A] nothing finer _ _ _ than [Dm] _ _
you hit [D] _ _ [Bb] B _ flat.
But what you [G] hear, _ _ _ you see [F] sharp lines.
_ [C] _ _ _ That's when _ they say in the van _ _ _ that travel [F] each _ [Dm] _ [F] and every [Fm] _
byway.
_ _ _ _ _ _ [C] _
_ _ Now _ completely lost, _ _ [G] _ _ so [F] there's no _ Steinway.
_ _ _ [C] _
_ _ _ _ Yes, there were times, _ _ _ I'm sure they knew.
_ _ _ _ _ The [F] piano stool [Dm] _ _ [F] _ was [Dm] broken [F] too.
_ _ _ Or like some fake, _ _ _ that [G] had to be. _ _ _ _
They [Em] locked the lid, _ _ _ then lost [Am] the key. _ _
Don't say I've [Dm] stuffed, _ _ _ I [G] haven't.
_ [Dm] I [G] _ _
_ [F] want a _ Steinway. _ _
_ [C] _ _ _ _ _ _ _
_ When _ _ _ I tried the keys, _ _ _ I then complained. _ _ _ _
Strong [A] words were spoken. _ _ _
_ _ [Dm] _ For out of [D] _ _ [Bb] _ _ 88, _ _ I found [G] that _ _ 49 _ [F] were broken.
_ [C] _ _
_ _ My friends, _ _ I made it clear.
_ And _ may [F] I say, _ _ _ not in [Fm] a shy _ way.
_ _ [C] _ _ I don't go on [G] _ stage _ _ _ _ [F] without being Steinway. _
_ _ [C] _ _ _ _ _ _
_ _ [Gb] And _ _ _ so, _ _ _ _ the end is near. _ _ _
But as I reach _ _ [Gm] the final [A] curtain. _ _ _ _
_ _ _ [Dm] _ The lid _ [D] comes _ [Bb] crashing down.
That crack of [G] my hands _ _ _ [F] really hurts them.
[C] I _ _ _ shout _ in words _ obscene. _ _ _ _
I yell [F] and scream, _ _ but that's [Fm] just my way. _
_ _ _ [C] _ They know what I mean.
_ _ _ [G] _ _
I'm [F] a Steinway. _ _ _ _
_ [C] _ _ _ _ For what must I play? _ _ _
What have I got? _ _ _ _ _
[F] Is it in tune?
Please, _ no it is not. _ _ _
Why should [G] I play _ _ _ _ another [Em] note?
_ _ [G] _ _ _
Why [Em] should I stay and strain [Am] my throat? _ _
The theatre [Dm] _ knows. _ _
The _ [G] contract _ _ [Dm] shows.
[G] _ _ [D] I want [F] a _ _ _ _ _ Steinway.
[G] _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
_ [C] _ _ _ _ _ _ _
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
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[N] _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _