Chords for Garrison Keillor & Paula Poundstone

Please welcome from Santa Madre, _ California, _ _ our good friend Paula [Db] Poundstone.
Good to see you.
Hey.
What a beautiful tie.
[Gb] Oh, thanks.
With the [A] Dalmatians on it and [E] the red hunting jacket and the striped red and black shirt
and the black slacks and the two-tone shoes.
So difficult to pick up those two-tone shoes anymore, at least in the used shoe stores around here.
Well, in [Bb] this diminutive a size, it's hard to find them.
Yes, indeed.
In this petite a size.
A wonder a person is still able to stand up straight with feet so petite.
The glass ones kept breaking.
Yes, well, _ _ jokes, jokes, jokes.
That's why we're here.
So you were about to ask.
I was about to ask, what kind of coffee did they serve on the Titanic?
Sanka.
_ [E] _ How can you tell a boy tuna from [Ebm] a girl tuna?
You watch to see which can they use.
_ [N] _ _ Computers, computers, computers, computers.
My computer slipped on the floor and it broke a disc. _
_ Cannibals.
The cannibals went to the wedding and toasted the bride and groom.
Oh, good for them.
_ What happens if you play blues music backwards?
Your wife comes back and treats you okay and you don't wake up in the morning.
[G] _ _ [F] I hear there's been a falling out between Madonna and Cher [D] and they are no longer on
a first name basis.
[N] _ _ _ Did you hear a guy was murdered in town last night?
No.
Police found the victim face down in his bathtub, which was filled with milk, cornflakes and sugar.
They think it was a serial killer.
_ _ Once [Db] upon a time, a beautiful young antelope had a wild date in the forest.
So she was getting all gussied up, new dress, makeup, everything.
[Bb] Suddenly as she was about to get ready, she [F] was stampeded by a herd of buffalo becoming
the world's first [N] self-dressed stamped antelope. _ _
Oh, it's good.
Any way you tell it, some of these jokes are just, [Eb] they're foolproof.
Why didn't [N] I focus on the fanatics?
There were two fish in a tank and one turns to the other and says, do you know how to
drive this thing?
_ _ _ Or maybe not.
No, it did.
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
Why?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
That is correct.
Right.
_ How many singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
18.
One to do it and 17 to be on the guest list.
_ How do you join the choir?
You go to church looking for the AA meeting and you go in the choir room by mistake and
they're so glad to see you, you don't dare leave.
_ _ _ Lutherans, let's not forget about Lutherans.
In Lutheran families, the man makes the coffee because in the scripture it says Hebrews.
Right.
_ _ _ _ Why don't Lutherans smoke?
Why?
Because their butts wouldn't fit in the ashtray. _ _
How do we know that Adam was Lutheran?
Who else could stand beside a naked woman and be tempted by a piece of fruit? _ _ _ _ _ _
_ _ No, I don't know that much about Lutherans, but I heard they get rid of squirrels by baptizing
them and making them members.
That way they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Yeah.
_ _ [A] So why are we quiet in church?
Because people are sleeping.
Yes.
_ A little boy went to his baby [D] brother's [B] baptism and he [Eb] cried all [A] the way home in the back
seat of the [Gbm] car.
[Db] Dad asked him [E] why.
The little boy said, you know, that [A] preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian
home and I want to stay with you guys.
_ [N] _ _ _ So what's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
You can't get kids to eat broccoli.
That's right.
_ _ A mother was making pancakes for her little boys who were arguing who will get the first one.
The mother said, if Jesus were sitting here, he would say, let my brother have the first pancake.
I can wait.
One boy turned to the other and said, you'll be Jesus.
_ _ _ [Am] _ [Gm] There was a woman with [Am] five little babies, [B] went to [C] buy tickets to [Dm] fly home [Eb] with them
and [G] the airline ticket agent said, [C] are those quintuplets?
Then the tickets are [G] complimentary under the airlines frequent flyer program is _ [N] what they,
she, she or he [B] said, I'm not sure which was my cousin is a transvestite.
Did I tell you that?
Yes.
Yeah.
[F] He [N] likes to eat, drink and be married.
_ _ I have another cousin who's invisible.
He married an invisible woman.
Kids are nothing to look at either. _ _
_ [Gb] Have you heard the one about the new diet for guitar players?
It's called the Chet Atkins diet.
All you do is pick at your food.
Sure. I'm sure.
[Dm] So what does your daddy do for a living?
My daddy is dead.
Oh, what did he do before he died?
[Am] He sort of clutched at his chest and fell over.
_ [N] _ [B] [Em] One day the captain of the Royal barge goes down to speak to the slaves, change their
[B] oars in the hold.
He says, man, the good news [Dm] is the queen will be joining us today for a trip up the river.
The bad news is she wants to go water [E] skiing.
_ [N] _ So what is large, gray and doesn't matter?
Irrelevant.
Right. _
Why are elephants big, wrinkled, large, gray and hairy?
Because if they were small, round, smooth, white and hairless, they'd be aspirin tablets.
What do you call a fish with no eye?
Fsh. _ _ _ _ _
It's a phonics joke right there.
That's what that is.
We have [Cm] so many listeners who are blind and who love Helen Keller jokes.
So let's give them the [Ab] best that came in this last week.
What is Helen [D] Keller's favorite color?
Corduroy.
Corduroy. _ _
[A] Corduroy.
Did you know that Helen Keller had a dollhouse in the [N] backyard?
No, and neither did she. _
_ [Ab] How did Helen Keller drive her car?
One hand on the wheel and the other on the [Db] road.
_ _ OK, that's enough of those.
[Bb] I don't think there can be enough of those.
Really.
[C] The man who wrote the [Ab] Hokey Pokey [Eb] died peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting [F] him into his coffin.
[N] He put his left leg in and then the trouble started. _ _ _ _ _ _
_ _ _ _ _ It's kind of a visual joke, isn't it?
_ _ _ Hey!
What? _
How do I get to the other side of the lake?
You are on the other side of the lake.
_ Is there a McDonald's over on this side of the lake?
You know, I saw Ronald McDonald naked.
He had sesame seed buns.
Is that right? _ _ _ _
What do Mac the Knife, Attila the Hun and Winnie the Pooh have in common? _
Same middle name.
_ _ _ Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the shell station. _ _
[A] So three turtles went on a picnic and [D] it took them ten [Db] days to get there.
And when [Em] they arrived, [Dbm] they found that they'd [Db] forgotten to bring [B] the bottle opener.
So they told the littlest turtle to go home and get it.
He said, [D] no, because you'll eat the sandwiches when I'm gone.
Well, they [Eb] promised that they wouldn't.
[Db] He went off to get the bottle opener and they waited ten [F] days,
and then twenty days for him to come back with it,
and then thirty [Ebm] days.
[Bb] _ [G] Finally, they were so hungry, [Am] they had to eat the sandwich.
And they took a bite.
And he came out from behind a rock and he said,
see, that's why I'm not going.