Chords for Wot a Marf

We, ladies and gentlemen, are Cosmotheca.
If you haven't seen us before, it's a strange name.
It could have been worse.
We're going to call ourselves Rhinoceros.
And that would have been rather [G] more appropriate [D] because I'm short-sighted, he's thick-skinned, and we don't [G] charge a lot.
And, um, _ we decided [Dm] against it.
_ Cosmotheca was the name of an old musical back in Victorian London.
It wasn't a very successful place.
It was around the back of Paddington [D] Station.
And it was a bit seedy, a bit dirty, a bit run down.
_ We sing musical songs and we're a bit seedy, a bit dirty, a bit run down.
So we thought it was a good name for what we laughingly call the Act.
One thing I want to tell you before we start, before we begin, about musical audiences in the old days and what they used to be like.
If they didn't [G] like a particular artist or artistes, they could be very difficult. _ _
_ Now, if they didn't like it in London, it wasn't so bad because there they used to [D] just throw rotten apples and rotten tomatoes at you.
Where we come from, near Birmingham, they used to throw iron rivets.
[D] And, um, _ up in the North, they used to throw dead cats.
And I think that tells you a lot about musical [G] audiences and what they must have been like.
It's not having a dead cat thrown at you that's worrying.
[D] It's the fact that somebody bothered to take one in in the first place. _ _ _ _ _
They were determined not to like somebody. _ _ _ _ _
_ [G] Anyway, we're going to start off with a song by one of our favourites.
It's a marvellous man named Harry Champion.
_ Good old Harry.
If you know this song, please join in.
It goes like this.
Jimmy thinks would be an handsome fella.
If he had another [F#] face, a [D] different smell.
[G] It's his mother of quince.
From winning the beauty show.
[C]
Just like a steamboat funnel.
From the [D] railway arch to the blackboard tunnel.
You can't see Jim.
And he always in white, [G] you know.
And as poor Jim goes walking about.
[D] You can hear the kids all hollering out.
What a mouth.
What a mouth, what a mouth, what a mouth.
What an open shut.
Oh, bloody what a mouth he's got.
When he was a youngster, round old mother would he pour.
Old mother used to feed him with a shovel.
What a jack.
What a chaff.
He's never been known to laugh.
And if he did, he's a ready to acquit.
Did his face but falling off.
If he did, he's a ready to acquit.
Did his face but falling off.
Though a great big mouth he ain't.
All an [G] eager whistler in his own ear.
[D] Ain't that funny.
But a leg of dust.
When he has to do the drop-o-line.
[G] And he's so tight, fun, funky.
Or he would be [D] laid up flat in the road.
What a yawning and a plough.
Old man.
Who's delivering cold [G] beer by.
And as he went to shift the load.
He saws his mouth out in the road.
What a mouth.
[D] What a mouth, what a mouth, what a mouth.
What an open shut.
Oh, bloody what a mouth he's got.
[C] The cold had an old short [D] sight.
He fell asleep.
His mouth wide [G] open.
And he took it for the stutter.
And he shocked.
The man [D] cried into his mouth.
No joking.
Now Jim poor soul's got a belly full of coal.
And he can't sublimate a cow.
Jim poor soul's got a belly full of coal.
And he can't [G] sublimate a cow.
Jim, he's been seen bed one night.
Was snoring.
And the neighbours [D] all around thought a lion was roaring.
And the big Dutch clonker.
That was hanging on the [G] bed throne.
Fell into his big mouth.
Well, after he woke [D] in Christ's end.
For Dr Jolliffe said his wife, no fear.
You've swallowed a clonk, that's [G] all.
And now the people, lady prime.
Look down his throat to tell the time.
What a mouth.
What a mouth, what a mouth, what a mouth.
What a mouth, what a mouth.
What an open shut.
Oh, bloody what a mouth he's got.
And the worst of the oldest.
Clonker was [D] in his run.
Don't tell me [G] like I'm not a shepherd.
He was in with his wife.
What's right?
Go sleep with the knight.
That's right.
[D] Because against his stumps.
He could hit a pendergum.
Go tick, tock, tick.
Go on, hide. _ _ _ _
_ _ _ What a mouth.
What a mouth, what a mouth, what a mouth.
What an open shut.
Oh, bloody what a mouth he's got.
And the worst of the oldest.
Clonker [G] was in his run.
Don't tell me like I'm not a shepherd.
He was in with his wife.
What's right?
[D] Go sleep with the knight.
That's right.
Because against his stumps. _
_ _ _ _ _ He could hit a pendergum.
Go tick, tock, tick.
Go on, hide.
What a mouth, what a mouth, what a mouth.
_ What a mouth, what a mouth.
[G] What a mouth, what _ _ [D] a mouth.
_ _ _ [C] _
_ _ _ _ [D] _ _ _ _
[A] _ _ _ _ [D] _ _ _ _