Chords for things you should NEVER say to a guitarist

Here you go.
I tuned four days ago, so you should be good to go. _
_ [C] _ _ _ [Bb] _ _ [C] Hey, if you were a drummer, that tone would be Lars' snare.
[Am] _ _ _
[E] _ [Am] _ _ [N] This song definitely doesn't need a guitar solo.
Hey, can you teach me how to play Enter Sandman?
Hey, don't turn your amp on for a while.
Why?
I spilled a beer on it.
_ You'll be fine in like an hour.
Here, let me just pull up the sheet music real [Am] quick.
_ I can't read sheet [C] music.
You can't read sheet music?
I [G] just learned by ear.
Every good [Bb] guitarist can read sheet music. _ _ _ _
What do you think, dude?
I like it a lot, dude.
Do you remember where the [Em] knobs were before I changed them? _ _ _
_ _ [C] _ _ [Bb] Can you type that out [C] for me?
_ _ _ Hold on, check out the trick. _
_ _ _ _ [Eb] _ _ _ [F] _
Yeah, you ever thought about being in a [N] cover band instead?
Here, let me show you a cool trick I saw on BuzzFeed.
Hey, I hope you don't mind.
I played all your guitars last night.
Okay.
They're upstairs leaning against the wall.
_ _ _ What are you doing?
[Fm] I'm getting money for guitar strings.
Dude, [G] we don't need more guitar strings.
We need more green.
Can you write the bass [Fm] part for me?
_ Sure.
_ [Am] [Em] And can you record it too?
_ And it is my huge honor to welcome John Petrucci to our [Eb] YouTube channel.
Slash is way better than John Petrucci. _ _ _ _ _
_ _ Have you ever thought about playing bass? _
_ _ _ _ [E] _ _ _ _
Ready to go to the studio?
_ _ Yeah, you'll show me the parts on the way, right?
[B] _ _ _ _ _
_ [Eb] _ [Abm] Ugh, a fender?
Those are for old [Bb] people.
Can you make the tone sound like Dimebag?
Dude, Dimebag's [D] tone sucked.
_ [G] Yeah, what do you think about the guitar?
_ It kind of sucks, [A] dude.
I mean, it's all about BC Rich [E] these days.
_ _ _ [Ab]
Dude, just stick to the pentatonic scale.
_ [C] _ _ _
_ [B] I think you should definitely change [N] that part. _
Clear tone is way better than Ernie Ball.
_ You're not wearing that to the show, are you?
Yeah, why?
I'm just wondering, you know, like [C] image and all that.
_ _ _ _ Here, let [B] me show you the right way to play that riff.
[Gm] _ _ [Em] _ Hey, [B] play Freebird. _ _ _ _ _ _ _
_ [C] Whoa, whoa, turn it down.
[Gm] _
_ _ _ _ [Db] _ More. _
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
_ _ _ _ [Cm] _ _ _ [E] _
_ _ Are you sure that you're not left-handed?
_ [Gm] Dude, come on, let me crank it.
I'm a peacock.
[N] You gotta let me fly.
Hey, hey, you're just mad because the best guitarist in the band is the drummer.
_ _ _ _ _ Hey, tubes are supposed to smoke when they get really hot, right?
No, definitely not.
Oh.
_ _ _ You should probably go check on your amp then.
What? _ _ _
_ [Gb] _ _ _ [C] I can play that better on guitar here, bro.
_ _ _ You know, if you got better at guitar, you wouldn't need all those pedals.
Do any of your guitars have a maple neck?
You know that the wood doesn't affect the tone, right?
_ _ [Bm] _ _ _ _
_ [Dm] _ _ [F] Nickelback is way better than Tool.
[Ab] _
_ _ That [Eb] _ _ part would sound a lot better without the wah pedal.
[E] _ _ _
Oh, dude.
Can I play something?
_ [C] _ _
_ You should turn the [Eb] gain down. _ _ _
_ _ _ [N] Um, that's not the song that you've been working on the last few weeks, is it?
Ah, shit, dude.
I [Gm] think I accidentally deleted the [Ab] whole song.
How much did this all cost you?
Uh, this was close to $2,500.
Wow, dude, you should [N]
really start saving your money instead.
Did I show you my new project?
No, what is it?
Fetal Bloodbath.
_ Dude, don't waste your time on a metal band.
Why do you even spend so much time practicing?
Everyone knows the singer gets all the chicks. _
Hey, uh, what you looking at?
Oh, I'm just looking at new guitars. _
Why do you need two guitars?
_ Hey, buddy, I was gonna, like, borrow this guitar for a couple [Ab] weeks.
And, uh, some of these picks here if you don't mind.
[G] I really wanted to try out this drop pedal too.
Oh, and I'm gonna need this cable.
Oh, thank you, appreciate it.
Nothing really beats the sound of a tube amp.
I don't know, man.
I think Line 6 is just as good as any tube amp. _ _ _
_ This guitar [C] sucks, dude.
I mean, I could [B] build you one for $1,200 and a shout-out. _
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
_ [A] _ _ _ _ _ _ [N]
What?
Dude.
Get a [Gm] real job. _ _
_ _ _ [G] _ [Abm] _ _ _ _
_ [Cm] _ _ _ _ _ _ _
_ [Fm] _ _ _ [Cm] _ _ _ [N]
Um, I just started a side project.
It's called Homophobic Fetal Tissue.
_ _ _ Uh, did I show you my new band?
_ Feminist Abortion.
_ [G] _ _
_ [Abm] _ [G] Guadaluan Tissue. _ _ _
Fetal Bloodbath.
We do your project.
[E] _ We do your project.
I'm sick, Dad.
Did [Gb] I show you my new project, Fetal Bloodbath? _ _ _ _ _ _ _